A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
 
A Code of Honor:  Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with 
mischief as your goal.  There are just too many women in the world to 
justify that sort of dishonorable behavior.  Unless she's _really_ 
attractive.  -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.  -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are 
present.
 
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
 
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been 
extracted.   -- Helen Rowland
 
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want 
some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
 
A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a 
wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac

Ah Mozart!  He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.  -- Borge

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a 
phone handy.
 
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she 
gets, the more interested he is in her.  -- Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
 
Bride:  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
 
By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you 
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's 
pregnant.
 
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his 
wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp 
after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka:  Words cannot express the 
deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or 
brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a 
fur coat.
 
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is 
our idea of useless legislation.
 
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows 
nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's 
wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something.  Or something like 
that.

Here lies my wife in earthy mould/when she lived did naught but 
scold. Good friends go softly in your walking/lest she should wake 
and rise up talking
 
Honolulu - it's got everything.  Sand for the children, sun for the 
wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
 
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance 
and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
 
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
 
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous.  Whenever I feel like getting 
married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to 
burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair.  It is more like nine 
desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a 
Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break 
he got.
 
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, 
and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
 
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang.  How 
about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller

I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov
 
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to 
marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- 
Rita Rudner

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In a novel the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the 
finish.  In a movie that is not allowed.  The villain can lay anybody 
he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, 
getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the 
end. -- Herman Mankiewicz
 
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of 
the enemy.
 
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's 
curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly 
Parton.  The job is just too big for him.  -- Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife 
to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each 
other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar 
Wilde
 
Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case it was almost impossible.
 
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love:  An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she 
can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able 
to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley
 
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
 
Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and 
suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution - but who wants to live in an institution?
 
Marriage is bliss.  Ignorance is bliss.  Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath.  Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
 
Marriage is like a mousetrap.  Those on the outside are trying to get 
in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
 
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for 
it.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife 
would have preferred.
 
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment.  Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married 
person can get divorced.
 
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady 
and through the nose of the gentleman.  -- Herbert Spencer

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the 
license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.  -- John Lyly

Marry not a tennis player.  For love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry 
about a living, God forbid.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all 
live together in a one-room house.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they 
marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.  --H.L. Mencken

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And 
so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  My wife came home from work 
one day and found me in bed with her. -- Lenny Bruce

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm DAMN lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't 
enjoy it.
 
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week.  Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. 
Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke
 
Never tell.  Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady 
walks in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe 
it:  "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around 
her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.'  I didn't know what I was 
gonna do..." -- Lenny Bruce

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at 
least one woman.  --  Honore de Balzac

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! -- Al Bundy

Nuns: Women who marry god.  If they divorce Him, do they get half the 
universe?
 
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... 
but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset 
Maugham
 
Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican 
girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
 
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Spinster:  A bachelor's wife.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's 
relatives.

Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"  Answer: Dry, sober, and at home 
with his wife

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a 
tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death?  Dead people are free.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth 
shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx
 
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 
husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 
are one, and that one is Marxism.  --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy 
Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
 
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of 
a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is 
your husband.
 
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more 
mature.  The new theory is that men don't mature.  So you might as 
well marry a younger one.
 
The three stages of sex in marriage:  tri-weekly; try-weekly; 
try-weakly.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than 
electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavran
 
Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket 
of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money.  His wife has it all.

To keep your marriage brimming / With love in the marriage cup, 

Whenever you're wrong, admit it, / Whenever you're right, shut up. -- 
Nash

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter 
stands a woman.  And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx
 
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense 
and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is 
beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken
 
What's new?  Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let 
him keep her. -- Guitry
 
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear / I popped him in the 
Frigidaire.  I never would have done so if / I'd known that he'd be 
frozen stiff. / My wife said "George, I'm so unhappy!  / Our 
darling's now completely frappe!" -- Graham

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
 
Why bother with marriage?  Just find a woman you hate and buy her a 
house.
 
Wife: The perfect acquisition for any genlteman feeling himself to 
have excessive control over his personal affairs.
 
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
 
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that 
causes all the problems.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?  He baptized 
one and kept the other as a control.
 
DISCLAIMER:  Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and 
she loves me dearly.  My employers don't love me nearly as much as 
she does.  Draw your own conclusions.

Happy Vasectomy, Eric.  Your loving wife and children:  Chris, Aida, 
George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, 
Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. -- Rolling Stone Classified Ad

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one 
another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, 
besides being very amusing.
 
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull 
the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your 
daughters.
 
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife 
away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: _give 
little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly_. Otherwise, what 
could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
  -- Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "OUT TO LUNCH - THINK IT OVER."

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 
love and he invented marriage.
 
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 
tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 
abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and 
war hold him in check.  And the wife who wants him home by five, of 
course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother - I 
want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
 
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.