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{LN} Computer Jokes
Computer Jokes
Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
A: Ask it something and it replies:
"Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."
Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!
Q: Why don't the British build computers?
A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil!
Q. Somebody asked me "What happens to programmers when they die?"
They get deallocated?
Their values become undefined?
The get re-intialized?
Their structues break down?
they become WORM food...
They start dropping bits........
They branch to a new address!
Their social system resources are released?
They dump core?
Q. What do you get when you cross 200K of apples and lots of garbage?
A. A core dump
Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it executes
an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it requires
TWO halt instructions to stop it!
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 1024x1024 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?
"Is it PC compatible?"
What do you call a computer scientist?
It doesn't matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer to
come anyway.
What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common?
Access time.
Isn't it odd that all the members of the Association for Computing Machinery
are human? (I've been thinking of signing my home computer up.)
Why is "256 Ways To Make Love" the most quoted book on the Internet?
It is the Fucking Manual
What do Unix sysadmins do when they're horny?
Mount a filesystem.
Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad.
So that blind students can hate them too.
How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist?
He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.
I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new
bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without
ketchup and mustard.
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around
late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve
from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the
oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that
God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and
best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the
oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile
responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line
one caught a virus, then there were nine.
Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date,
someone jammed a write protect, then there were eight.
Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven,
then they cut the budget, now there are seven.
Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics
stored an even larger prime, now there are six.
Six little gigabytes, working like a hive,
one died of overwork, now there are five.
Five little gigabytes, trying to add more
plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four.
Four little gigabytes, failing frequently,
one used for spare parts, now there are three.
Three little gigabytes, have too much to do
service man on holiday, now there are two.
Two little gigabytes, badly overrun,
took the work elsewhere, now just need one.
One little gigabyte, systems far too small
shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Recursion
Recursion who?
Knock Knock...
Women Enjoy Computers More Than Men, Survey Says
- Rockford (Ill.) Register Star.
The Programmers' Cheer -
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
times still changin
by dusty anderson
come gather round people wherever you roam
and accept that the networks around you have grown
and admit that software piracy you don't condone
if your data to you is worth saving
then you better make backups
on your macs or pc clones
for the times they are a changin
come students and staffers who double-click with your mice
and keep your eyes open - your screen savers look so nice
and don't blame network downtime on poltergeists
the new copy of WORD just delivered
takes 2 dozen diskettes and needs 40 megabytes
cos' the times they are a changin
come faculty and administrators, please read your e-mail
it's been there for months now and it's gettin stale
our attempts to get more disk space from ADP have failed
the battle on campus is ragin
whether we will use windows or macs will prevail
yup the times they are a changin
come users and sysadmins all over the LAN
your bandwidth requirements we don't understand
your digital desktops and cryptic commands
your multimedia stations
were not in the budget
of our five year plan
but the times they are a changin
with Ethernet, Token Ring and FDDI
we've got the best network that money can buy
with Internet access and registration on-line
but yesterday when he was cleaning
the janitor unplugged the power
and all systems died
oh the times they are a changin
I notice in today's NY Times that, in the wake of _DOS for Dummies_, the
insult-the-customer bandwagon is picking up steam. New titles being advertised
include "WordPerfect 6 For Dummies" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide To
WordPerfect 6". Here are some titles in the genre that I am currently working
on:
Lotus For Losers
Procomm For Pinheads
The Absolute Moron's Guide To Quicken
WordStar 2000 For The Suckers Who Bought It
Kiplinger's Computer Associates Simply Money For People Who Weren't Loved Enough
As Children.
"If you use the system in a dirty environment, open it periodically and vacuum
the boards and components with a small vacuum designed for this kind of work.
Don't loosen anything in the process--sucking all the chips off the system board
with an industrial strength wet/dry vac is not covered by your warranty."
- Gateway 2000 User Manual
What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park?
One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.
A Software guy, a Hardware guy and a Mainframe guy are driving across the
desert when they get a flat tire.
The Mainframe guy says, "Well, now we have to get a new car."
The Hardware guy says, "I got a better idea. Let's rotate the tires and see
if we can isolate the problem."
The Software guy says, "Nah, let's run it another thirty miles and see if the
problem reoccurs."
A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in
the next seat, "..and where are you going?"
"I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replys.
"Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I didn't know there were that many of
you."
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
"IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee]
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