Dog Jokes

Bad Dog!

This is a list of phrases dog owners should get their naughty pets to write on a
blackboard a la Bart Simpson.  If you could get them to write...  Send more
suggestions to Harold Reynolds, reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca
[A HREF="http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html">
Note: There is a companion "Bad Kitty/Bad Human List" posted in rec.pets.cats.

First posting: November 22, 1993.  Latest update: [December 6, 1994].
A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.

A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
   Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
   jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry
   detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote
   controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my
   house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty
   Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;
   fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes
   hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey
   packets; staples; used condoms; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and
   other thin plastic things.

2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
   Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
   mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the
   conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to
   impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.

3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
   The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
   (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote
   control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;
   large patterns on wallpaper;

4. [xxx] is not a toy.
   The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted
   iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean);
   aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows
   and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie
   pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's
   ferrets.

5. I will not chew the [xxx].
   Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard
   around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen
   cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle
   even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new
   saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.

6. I will not bark at [xxx].
   Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is
   parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which
   was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly
   noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air
   from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it
   go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even
   if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just
   pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out
   in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire
   hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the
   answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid
   under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on;
   absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11 PM).

7. I will not dig [xxx].
   Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
   collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
   under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a
   swimming pool in the back yard;

B. Others

a) ---Food/Water---

-I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.
-I will not eat the soap.
-I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
-I will not eat my human's plants.
-I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.
-I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.
-I will not get caught with my entire head in the dog food bag when Mom is busy
 cleaning my sister's paws.
-I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
-Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.
-I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.
-I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and other
 edible things off the kitchen counters.
-I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of
 the serving bowls.
-I will quit escaping from the vet and eating all the other dogs', cats' and
 birds' food.
-I will politely refuse when my great-grandmother makes me steak tips and rice,
 because I know this is not good for me.
-Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open car window and
 into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
-If I absolutely _must_ eat all the Christmas baking my Mommy stayed up all
 night to do, I won't run up to her and burp contentedly in her face.
-I will not dive into the Christmas Tree to get the candy canes (which I will
 eat, paper and all).
-I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.
-I will not eat a whole loaf of bread; it only makes doxies look shorter.
-I will not eat Mommy's hair clips for dessert.
-Rolling Stone magazine is a READING supplement, not an EATING one.
-Wallpaper, drywall, and fiberglass insulation is a three-course meal that gives
 me a tummyache.
-Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.
-Lipstick is not food, even if mommy 'eats' it. (the effect was a bit
 frightening!)
-Crinkling cellophane is NOT a food sound from the wild and I will not come and
 hunt it when I hear it.
-Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food.
-I will not get a mouthful of kibble and dribble it all across the kitchen,
 dining room, and living room floor, just so Mom (who is reading in the living
 room) can watch me eat.
-I will not eat the baggie of chocolate wafer cookies Daddy left on the coffee
 table so that Mommy has a big, brown, spot to clean off of the carpet when she
 gets home after a long day at work.
-I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not looking.
-I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until _after_ they're out of the
 stocking!
-I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies, of
 course) on my family's plates.
-The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

b) ---Bodily Functions---

-I will not relieve myself in the dog show ring.
-I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to
 poop.
-The Christmas Tree was NOT put there as my own personal 'relieving' post.
-I will not pee in the bedroom doorway of Mom's new boyfriend the first time I
 visit his house.
-I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when
 I am about to throw up.
-I will not scratch in dog class.
-I will not even THINK about going underneath the (Christmas) tree and going
 piddle on the dining room rug.
-I will not throw up in the car.
-When I need to leave my kennel to go outside to pee, the shortest route is NOT
 across the bed, especially not at 4AM.
-I will not fart loudly, then chase my tail to catch the noise.
-I will not fart loudly, then look at Mommy like she's the culprit, because then
 Daddy believes me and it causes an argument.
-I *will* scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
-I will wipe my butt on the grass, not on the carpet.  They're both green, but
 I know the difference.

c) ---Gross!---

-I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
-I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
-I will not eat other animals' poop.
-I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
-I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
-I will not eat my own vomit.
-I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into Mommy's lap.
-I will not breathe on Mommy after "recycling" the poop in the backyard.
-"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.  (Yep, I know it's a duplicate; my dogs are
 repeat offenders.)
-I will not drool onto the dinner table or my Mom's plate.
-I will not try to convince the person who ALWAYS gives me dog cookies that I
 love her new silk dress by covering it with doggy drool.
-I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after
 processing.  (I did threaten to return the sock of a house guest who had been
 warned not to leave his socks around.  It had been 'processed' and the pattern
 was still recognizable in the pile in the back yard.)
-I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.
-I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on them until they
 are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass door with a rodent tail
 hanging from my mouth while my mummy is eating dinner!
-Drooling on guests is not a social skill.
-I will not run over to my master after eating and burp in his face.
-I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my human is about
 to put on.
-I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.
-I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.
-I will not lick Daddy's face after I've cleaned my private parts.
-I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are asleep.
-I will not catch mice, and run around the yard while they're squeaking in my
 mouth playing Catch The Dog with Mommy.  Further, I will not then regurgitate
 them whole, re-eat them and play Catch with Mommy again.  (Why does Mommy keep
 shrieking like that?)
-The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.  I will not eat the disposable diapers,
 especially the dirty ones.
-I will not belch loudly, then smack my lips and smile when Mommy and Daddy have
 guests.
-I will not lick the inside of Mommy's nose.  She says this feels nasty.
-I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
-I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
-I will not leave uneaten pieces of roaches lying around the house.
-I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my owner will
 think I am hemorrhaging.
-I do not need to immediately find Mommy and give her all kinds of kisses when I
 have just had a drink from my favorite water bowl in the bathroom.

d) ---Annoying/Embarrassing Habits---

-I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.
-I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.
-I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.
-I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.
-I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track,
 especially when my human is holding my leash.
-I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests
 are present.
-Not everyone loves me, so I will not fling myself at all and sundry. Especially
 when I have been eating/rolling on week-old bones.
-I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing
 on a slippery grass slope.
-I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting
 on the toilet.
-I will not leave balls on the stairs.
-I will not take excessive delight in pushing around a guest's smelly boots.
-Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave
 pretty claw-marks on the shiny paint!
-I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are sitting on
 the toilet.
-I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.
-I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy and Daddy's bed in
 the middle of the night.
-I will not masturbate myself in front of new guests.
-I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.
-I will not steal hard candy, crunch and munch on it and leave candy-coated
 drool to dry into the rug.
-No matter how *ripe* Mummy's armpits are, they are not for rolling in like your
 common puddle of street trash/dead animal/etc.
-I will not shake hands with a guest, then flop down onto his feet while I clean
 my No-No.
-It makes Mommy nervous when I rest my head on her knee while she's on the
 potty.
-Daddy gets embarrassed when I stare at his peeper when he is getting ready for
 a shower.
-I will not jump onto the bed to watch when Mommy and Daddy begin to buck-n-
 snort with one another.
-I will not press my face piteously against the hatchback window while we are
 driving so people think I am being abducted.  (With two 125lb dogs in a small
 Mazda hatchback, this really is pitiful. I've had people glare at me and honk!)
-I will not assume the reflection from Mom's hand-held makeup mirror is an
 intruder and try to attack it.
-I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king sized bed
 at 2 am.
-I will not make Mommy feel guilty about "abandoning" me to go to work by giving
 her "the Big Sad Eyes" through the back door.  Dog food doesn't grow on trees
 you know.
-I will not pull the plug on/turn off/reset the computer/Sega while a human is
 trying to do work/play a game.
-Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a
 "toy" to be offered to guests.
-Just because I hear Mommy or Daddy's car doesn't mean I have to scream at the
 top of my little doxie lungs.
-Mommy doesn't have to hold me in her arms so I can see, too, when Mommy is
 talking to someone/cleaning the aquarium/doing the ironing/working on the
 computer.
-I don't *have* to place my throat across Mommy or Daddy's mouth after they've
 fussed at me.  They're not really going to bite my throat out.
-I understand that while I think it's great fun to drop my rope/ball/bone in the
 toilet while Daddy or a male guest is using it, Daddy doesn't like it and will
 fuss at me.
-Just because it rings, there's no need for me to knock the receiver off the
 phone and breathe heavily into the mouthpiece.  [This can lead the caller to
 get the wrong impression!]
-In the car, I will not tread on the electric window switch just as my owner is
 paying at the tollbooth.
-I will not expose myself to female visitors.
-I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of the room
 getting a beer.
-I am not an alarm clock.  The human does *not* need to be woken at the same
 time *every* day.
-I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.
-I do not need to soak my Vermont Chewman toys in the toilet.

e) ---Other Critters---

-I am bigger than that cat next door and should not be afraid of it.
-That black and white animal with the bushy tail is NOT a cat.
-Squirrels can fight back.
-I will not play tag with armadillos. (They fight back!)
-Possums are meant to be chased, not caught.
-Mockingbirds are not to be messed with.  (They dive bomb! From behind!)
-The neighborhood dogs are NOT burglars/murderers.
-Other furry critters are not running chew toys. (Cats, squirrels, Mommy's
 guinea pig)
-Other male dogs are not my enemies.
-I will not beat up the other dogs in the house even though the smaller ones
 keep challenging me.
-I am a Corgi; I am not bigger than the Doberman and German Shepherd.
-Squirrels are not burglars.  I do not need to bark when they are on the lawn.
-I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming across the lake.
-I will not escape the backyard and go into the neighbor's backyard to play with
 my best friend, the German Shepherd.
-I will not herd the animals in the church's nativity scene.
-I will not tear open the box containing the deceased guinea pig that my humans
 were about to bury and scare my Mommy by carrying him into the house like a
 stuffed toy and looking at her as if to say, "I think this guy got outside by
 some mistake!  Isn't he supposed to be INSIDE in his cage?!?"
-I will not terrorize the nice bunnies.  (And the not-so-nice bunnies... they
 kick!)
-I will leave the old dog alone when it doesn't want to play.
-I will stop playing tug with my brother's tail.
-That bear is NOT just another big dog.
-I will not use "flip" small dogs over with my snout just for the fun of it,
 especially not at the top of the stairs.
-A pouring rainstorm is not a good time to play tag with Mommy, a cat, and a
 shrub.
-Deer don't like me because I have a jingle-jangle collar.  Chasing them doesn't
 change this.  I only jangle louder.
-I am a German Shepherd, and a Highland Terrier puppy is SMALLER than I am.
-Horses aren't playmates.  The Mountie has a job to do, and his horse is part
 of that job.  I cannot commandeer its time.
-Mockingbirds will peck my head if I catch them.  (My Akita bitch regularly
 catches these enormous birds and they turn and peck her in the forehead HARD!
 and she still chases them.  Dumb, really dumb.)
-I will not bring live frogs or lizards into the house. [Bob used to do this and
 then get highly excited as I probed around under the freezer with the handle of
 the yard-sweeping brush trying to extract the terrified amphibian(s)!]
-Multi-coloured snakes are NOT my friends.
-The neighbour's cat is NOT a rag doll.

f) ---Not-All-There---

-We do not have a doorbell.  I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
-I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium; floating outside the window; in
 the oven).  It is just my reflection.
-Freezing nights are not good time to play in the backyard with Mommy.  I have a
 fur coat, Mommy doesn't.
-I will watch where I am going, so that I will stop running into small, but very
 hard, trees.
-Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be afraid of them.
-I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know
 whether my master asked for it or not.
-I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture when people are
 sitting on it.
-Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without
 barking at them when they are present.
-Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.
-I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.
-The dogs on TV are not real.
-The feather pillow is not a bird. I will not flush it out of its hiding place.
-I know that deer statues are not real and will not try to attack them.
-I will realize that scary animal in the yard next door is just a really tacky
 plastic deer and will quit barking at it at every opportunity.
-I will not do a "hold and bark" at the plastic Santa Claus on the neighbor's
 front lawn.  He's not wearing a sleeve, anyway.
-The bright, colored lights outside do not signal landing UFOs, so I will stop
 barking at them whenever they are turned on.
-I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
-I will not lie on the ground in the snow and refuse to get up when Mommy says
 to even though it's only 15 F out and Mommy forgot her hat and gloves.
-My human does not have to hold the bone while I chew it; I can do it myself.
-I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas rawhide
 from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is -46 F.
-I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck in
 front of us.
-I don't need to thank mom/dad every few bites of my breakfast/dinner.
-The plastic owl is to scare woodpeckers, since I'm not a woodpecker, I won't be
 scared.
-I will not smash my whole body against the patio doors when I want in, causing
 the entire door to smash to smithereens.  (Mastiffs must write this out extra
 times)
-I will not fool with Daddy's electric razor, even if he lets it lie on the bed.
 It turns on easily and makes spooky noise.
-I will not stick my head into a lit candle, thereby curling my mouth whiskers
 and eyebrows.
-I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a
 KER-THUMP! and makes me bark at it.
-The Flat Folk in the mirror and their dog (who looks a lot like me) are not
 thieves.  They live here, too.
-Water dropping from a height is not dangerous, and does not need to be subdued
 instantly.  I don't have to be there when the humans empty the vaporiser into
 the tub, so I can bite the water.
-I will not chase the laundry down the laundry chute, because I get stuck
 *every* time, and Daddy has to pull me through to the basement, and that hurts
 my tummy.
-I must face the same direction as the other dogs when I am harnessed with them
 or I will get dragged.
-There is not a doggy door in the screen.
-The trashcan with the step on foot will bite my head.  (Maesc took about
 fifteen minutes to figure out that the trashcan lid will go up if he steps on
 the lever. He hasn't quite figured out he has to keep his foot on it or the lid
 will slam on his head.)
-I will not stand in the corner between a half-open door and the wall whining to
 be let out.
-There are no humans hiding inside the radio/TV.
-I will not crawl under the bed, get stuck, then whimper pathetically till
 somebody comes to find me.
-I will NOT jump out of the pickup truck bed while it is traveling down the
 freeway.

g) ---Personal Comfort---

-Baths are fun and relaxing!
-Waterbeds were designed for humans.  Really.
-Being outside for any other reason than doing my business really is all right.
-I will not dig more than one new 'cool earth wallow' per day.
-I will not crowd my human in bed.
-I don't have to go out to the backyard *this instant*.
-I will not hoard all the nylabones so the other dogs can't get them.
-I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and will move when
 Mom and Dad want in.
-I will not hog the warm spot right in front of the kerosene heater.
-I will quit hogging all the pillows.
-I will not pull the down comforter off the bed and into the closet so I can
 sleep on it in the middle of the night.
-When I am lying on the sofa, Mommy can lie on the other side; I know how to
 share.
-I will leave room in the bed for Dad.
-I weigh 70 pounds.  I will not fit on Mom's lap.
-When Daddy is gone, I will not use his pillow and breathe down Mommy's neck
 until she takes me out.
-When Mommy rises early from the bed, I will not play a trick on Daddy by
 kissing him so he rolls over and gives me a tongue-kiss, too.  He makes a loud
 noise when he finds out it's me.
-I am a German Shepherd.  When I'm at the vet's I won't be scared to sit on the
 floor like a BigGirlDog.  I'm too big for Mommy's lap.
-I can go to sleep without having my rope and my ball and my bone in bed with me
 and the humans.
-I can go to sleep without cleaning my toes first.
-The leather davenport is NOT a bed.

h) ---The Human Factor---

-The vet is my *friend*.
-I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at
 the door.
-I will not greet the humans at the back door with their personal possessions
 (retrieved from the closet) in my mouth.
-When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to
 get them to notice I'm upset.
-I will not howl when my mistress is practicing the {piano|violin|glockenspiel}.
-I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.
-I will recognize my beloved mistress, even if she *is* wearing her
 drum-n-bugle-corps uniform.
-I will not bathe anyone's face when they're cranking the ice cream maker.
-I will not lick the humans' faces while they are being ..ahem... intimate.
-I will realize that everyone knows I am a neglected dog because my parents
 throw me outside to wee late at night and will therefore refrain from
 announcing it by barking non-stop.
-I do not have to meet EVERYONE.
-When my humans are kissing and making out, I will not whine jealously and try
 to force myself between them.
-Although I am a red blooded Aussie male Rottweiler, I will refrain from
 becoming "excited" when my female vet examines me because it embarrasses my
 Mom.
-I will not attack my master every time he sits on the floor while talking with
 someone on the telephone.
-I will not piddle and run and hide whenever my owner gives a down-stay command.
-It's okay for Mommy and Daddy to be in different rooms.
-Mommy can lie on the floor if she wants to.  (Annie gets upset.  Dogs are for
 the floor, people should be on furniture.)
-I will not growl at my human's mother(-in-law).
-I will quit attacking Mom, who is just minding her own business, when Dad is
 the one teasing me.
-I will not bite my Daddy in the ass when he turns away just after scolding me.
-I will not attack Daddy even if he is wearing a funny red suit, pillows and a
 phony beard.
-I do not have to be in the room when my Mom goes to the bathroom.
-I will not go into the back seat and cover my eyes with my paws just because
 Mom's driving.
-I will not growl at the strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)
-My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.
-The carollers outside do not need my help to sing their songs.
-Just because Mommy is on the floor does not mean she wants to play with me.
-I will not attack Mom's boyfriend when he is tickling her, he isn't really
 trying to hurt her.
-I will not kiss Mommy when she is scolding me.
-I will not hump the leg of the minister when he comes to call on my human.
-I will not jump on my Mommy's pregnant tummy.
-I will not nip Mommy in the behind to get her to move faster.
-I will not attack the toll attendants for taking Mommy's money.
-I won't jump up on Dad's stomach when he's talking on the phone.
-I will not sit under the dinner table and bite people on their toes to gain
 attention (read food)!
-If I roll over and try to shake paws, it won't necessarily get me out of
 trouble.
-There are certain places on Daddy that are not okay to nibble when we are
 rough-housing.  This endangers my life.
-I will not herd my humans out of the hallway and into one room so I can watch
 all of them at once.
-My bath time is not during Mommy's shower.  I will lie quietly guarding her
 until she's finished.  I will not attempt to join her.
-I will not drop my Plaque Attacker on Mom's feet, as it is heavy and hard.  I
 will especially not drop it on her feet when she's standing beside the bed and
 I'm standing *on* the bed.
-I will not drop my human's pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop
 it'.
-Mommy can take a shower without having my rope/ball/bone with her.
-I will not bite my Mommy's ass when she is trying to rescue my toe from the
 grips of the evil screen door.
-The mailman is NOT a chew toy.

i) ---Children---

-Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should
 take it.
-Infants who have just finished their cereal (and they aren't real good at it
 yet!) have the *best* faces for washing.
-I will not knock over the little neighborhood kids when I greet them.
-I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the neighbor's kids' faces.
-I will not visit the next door neighbours to play with their children at every
 possible opportunity.
-Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her face.
-I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not try to exert my
 dominance on them.

j) ---Mess Making/Destroying---

-I will not open Mom's mirrored closet door by myself anymore, thereby making it
 look like a glass of milk was thrown at it.
-I will not use all the door molding as a chew toy.
-I will not jump up on my human when he/she gets home from work and is wearing
 nice clothes.
-I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud
 puddle.
-I will not make big splashes in mud puddles when heeling beside my human.
-I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.
-I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.
-I will not get all wet/muddy and then walk against all the walls in the house
 (so that my mum can see just how much I've grown!).
-I will not "de-flea" my mum's pillow in the middle of the night whilst she is
 trying to sleep on it!
-I will not open the kitchen cabinets.
-I will not dig in the potpourri bowls.
-I will not chew the dog training book, especially when it is a library book and
 my mother is a librarian.
-I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and Daddy are away at
 work.
-I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible
 on the floor.
-I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
-I will not chew up Mommy's spinning that she has been working on for months.
 (Especially NOT the Angora spinning!)
-I will not jump all over the mattress that is being made up with my muddy feet.
-I will not peel wallpaper off of the walls.
-Just because the remote-control turns on the TV when I chew it does not qualify
 it as a 'squeaky toy'.
-I shall not eat the crotch out of Mommy's dirty underwear when she forgets to
 close the closet where the laundry basket sits.
-I am a German Shepherd, not a spider.  Mommy's embroidery floss is not good web
 material.
-I will not bury my chewman up to the neck in the yard to frighten my humans. 
 (I actually ran over one with the lawnmower.  We have probably a dozen of them
 in the yard in various stages of burying.  A few have only the head and one arm
 sticking up out of the grass.  It's eerie.)
-I will not grab the bowl of half-jelled cranberries off the front step and
 fling them across the snow so it looks like I murdered someone in the front
 yard.
-I will not kill the neighbor humans blow-up pool and drag it triumphantly
 around the yard as the air comes out of it.
-Uncle Billy's extensive hat collection is not a chew toy. (Well, now it is, but
 it wasn't before!)
-Peeing on Daddy's pillow does not make him love you.
-I will not bite my human's cellular phone every time it rings.  [So far, Bob
 has destroyed 3 phones this way].
-I will not dismember children's dolls and leave the room looking like the
 aftermath of a hatchet-murder.
-I will not chew or shake full cans of beer.
-Even though it hisses, the garden hose is not a snake, and so does not need to
 be chewed every six inches along its length to keep it from attacking me.
-I will not bite a hole in the can of upholstery cleaner that Mommy left out
 (bad Mommy) because I look very silly covered in white foam. I especially won't
 do this when it's 20 below outside and the water heater's broken and Mommy has
 to stand in the cold shower in order to rinse the nasty stuff off me.
-I will not send my full food dish for a ride down the staircase.

k) ---Hampering---

-I will not eat my human's mail, especially the bills.
-I will not help Mommy by digging up all those tasty bulbs she buried for me.
-I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs Mommy has just planted.
-I will not sulk by trying to sleep under mummy's feet while she is making
 breakfast, washing, going to the toilet, etc. just because she slept in, is in
 a hurry and can't take me for walkies.
-I will not steal the dishes from the dishwasher and hide them in my kennel.
-I will quit trying to drive the car and will stay down in the floor board.
-I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when Mommy and Daddy are already
 running late and ready to leave.
-I will not attempt to climb in Mom's lap while she is driving.
-I will not shift the car into neutral while Mom is driving 65 mph in a
 blizzard.
-I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans while they are
 eating.
-I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in it!
-When Mom is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to
 start a game of tug-of-war.
-Dad doesn't need help tying his shoes... really.
-I will not play tag around the dining room table after I have found a
 "treasure" (underwear, socks, tissues or other "stuff" from the trash, kitchen
 towels, school projects, money, etc.), when Mommy is trying to catch me.
-Mommy knows her way around the house all by herself.  She doesn't need me to
 herd her into the shower, into the bedroom, back into the bathroom, and into
 the kitchen every morning.
-I will stay out of the garden.  Mom does not need help weeding or planting out
 new plants.  (It's OK to help with pruning, though.  I can grab the branches
 and take them all over the yard!)
-I will never again think that Dad won't mind me climbing behind his seat (since
 he won't let me sit on his lap) while he's driving down an interstate in a
 two-seat sports car!

l) ---Misuse/Misappropriation of Items---

-My Mommy's lap is not a napkin.
-The sofa is not a face towel.
-Mommy is not a salt lick.
-The rug is not a napkin.
-That is not my {turkey, stocking, present}.
-My rawhide bone does not belong in my Mom's bath.
-Tennis balls do not belong in the dishwasher.
-The agility field is NOT a doggy social meeting place.
-My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
-The balls on the Christmas tree are not dog balls.
-All things within my reach are NOT my toys; anything not within my reach but I
 can jump and get is also NOT my toy.
-I do not have a little Scrabble board in my tummy.  Eating a letter when Mommy
 and Daddy play does not score me any points.  Anywhere.
-The coffee table is not my private throne, and I should stay off of it.
-The laundry basket does not contain nesting material.
-The Persian rug is not for playing tug-o-war.

m) ---Miscellaneous---

-The doggie door is my friend.
-I will not make my sister/brother (the kitty)'s, life a misery when it is clear
 she/he is not interested in playing.
-I will not slurp up a peg on the cribbage board when I am walking by a game.
-I will not eat the Bad Dog list.
-70 kilogram Rottweilers should not even bother to try to hide under small
 coffee tables when they have been naughty.
-I will not pull all the stuffing out of my chewman within 10 minutes of getting
 it.
-I will come out of my crate, even when I'm *not* in trouble, without Mom having
 to tip it up sideways so I slide out.
-I will stop "posturing" when Mommy plays with me because I knock her over.
-I will not open any presents before Christmas.
-I will not search the Christmas presents under the tree looking for mine.
-I cannot decide when to take a break during agility training.
-I will get my picture taken with that fat red man who smells like every dog
 that ever lived for charity.
-I like car rides, really, they are neat fun... really...
-Being groomed and combed is fun.  Really.
-Briar bushes are not fun.
-I will not cook when the humans are out (or in).
-Moaning while getting a bath will not speed up the process.
-Mom and Dad don't need to get soaked just because I am getting a bath.





Bad Human!

This is the reverse of the Bad Dog list.  That is, what would your dog(s) have
you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?
Send your suggestions to reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca
[A HREF="http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html">

First posting: November 22, 1993.  Latest Update: [December 6, 1994].
 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
 3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me
    to.
 7. I will get rid of those cats.
 8. I will not tell my master to HURRY UP ALREADY when he's looking for just the
    right spot to take care of business.
 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than
    having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for
    me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all
    times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't
    possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether
    my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke
    the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount.  My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find
    the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave
    him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud
    puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's
    _entire_ piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be
    obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red
    suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try MUCH harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling COME! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees ARE balls.  Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. GIVE and LEAVE IT are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a
    Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is
    obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy
    "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters
    might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm
    from where my master was sleeping "illegally".





What the Dogs Have Taught Me

Daily Routine

The day is divided into two important sections.  Mealtime.  And everything else.

I.   Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat
certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat.  The act of staring at
the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion
a chain of events that eventually results in food.

2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any
space for edibles.  Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or
smell are considered gum.

3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a
shower.  Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes
after the obvious food is gone.  This is important.  Just because your dish is
empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is
actually swallowed by another.  The lengthy path a piece of food will take from
a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to
it.

5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging
mean nothing.  There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting
it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly.  As a second tactic,
stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to
leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II.  Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with:
complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take
a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly.  The best location for
a nap is dead center of any street or driveway.  The most relaxing position is
on your side, all four limbs parallel.

3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed
person.  A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of
furniture.

4. Personal Safety

   A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling
   loudly.  If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether
   you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their
   balance or have to force you away physically.

   B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is
   squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure

   A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.

      a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.

      b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

   B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in.  Once
   inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6. Health

   A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard.  If you are
   vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

Since I have taken to sleeping under the bed, I have come to know tranquility I
never imagined possible.  You never really know when it might be cookie time. 
And that's what the dogs have taught me.

- Merrill Markoe, "Late Night with David Letterman: The Book"





Steven Wright On Dogs

I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him... 
"Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went insane.  Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.  He's an East German Shepherd.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on
them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.  Some
people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once.  I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.





Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark
to read.  - Groucho Marx





A dog is a dog except when he is facing you.  Then he is Mr. Dog.  - Haitian
Farmer





I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.  - August Strindberg





The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.





When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's rule of
life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!





If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. 
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.  - Mark Twain





What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping
your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.





What do you do when a pit bull terrier is humping your leg?
Fake an orgasm.





What is meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
Whatever gave it AIDS.





Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.





What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!





What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.





Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.





What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.





Why is a tree like a dog?
Because they both lose their bark when they die.





Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.





What did the veterinarian say to the dog who kept licking his balls?
Thank you.





What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.





What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing.  He wont come when you call him, anyway.





   I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and
with him was his dog.  It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type.  In
the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed
its head off.  This happened all the way through the film.  After the film had
ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
   "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said.  "That dog really seemed
to enjoy the film."
   The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is.  He hated the book."





   A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with
his dog.  He watched the game in astonishment for a while.  "I can hardly
believe my eyes!" he exclaimed.  "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
   "Aw, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out
of five."





   Wife: We've got such a clever dog.  He brings in the daily newspapers every
morning.
   Husband: Well, lots of dogs can do that.
   Wife: But we've never subscribed to any papers.
   Husband: What?!





   These two kids are sitting in a wagon pulled by their dog.  A policeman
happens by and sees this, and comes over to talk to the kids.  He says, "You
can't make your dog pull you in the wagon.  That's cruelty to animals."  Then he
looks a little closer at the dog and sees that it has a piece of string wrapped
around its balls, and that one of the kids is holding tightly to the other end. 
"Hey, you can't tie string to your dog's testicles," he says.  "That's not
humane."
   One of the little kids leans over to his friend, "What are testicles??"
   "Dunno.  I think he's talking about the passing gear!"





An old, arthritic, and exceptionally stupid dog was snoozing in the middle of
the road.  Suddenly, a big street cleaning vehicle comes by and maims the dog,
tossing him to the side of the road.  Some time later, a yuppie couple stop in
their BMW 535i and pull over to see how the dog is.  "Good Lord," says the guy,
"Are you all right?"  To which the dog replies, "No, I'm a flayed mutt."





   A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a department store.
The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and
starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
   The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange.  So,
he decides to find out what's going on.  The store manager approaches the blind
man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me.  May I help you with something."
   The blind man says, "No thanks.  I'm just looking around."





   While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to lift up his leg and
piss all over the blind man's legs.  A passerby commented to the blind man,
"Good God!  That dog just pissed all over your legs and you are petting him?!
Are you crazy?"
   To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am looking
for his ass so I can kick him."





A Dog Named "Sex"

   Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex.  Sex has
been embarrassing to me.  When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.
   He said, "Me too."
   Then I said, "But this is a dog."
   He said he didn't care what she looked like.
   Then I said, "But you don't understand.  I have had Sex since I was nine
years old."
   He said I must have been quite a kid.
   When I got married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the
wedding.  He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
   I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex."
   He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us
in his church.  I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.  The
next day, we were married at the Justice of the Peace.  My family was barred
from the church from then on.
   I went on my honeymoon; I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I
wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.  He replied that
every room in the place was for sex.
   I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."
   The clerk said, "Me too."
   One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the
dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. 
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told me that I should
have sold my own tickets.
   "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
   He called me a show-off.
   When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog.  I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
   The judge said, "Me too."
   Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me.
   He said, "Me too." 
   Last night, Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around town for him.  A
cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at four
o'clock in the morning?"
   I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
   My case comes up on Friday.





I got a dog for my daughter from the local animal shelter.  Before we could take
the dog home, we had him neutered.  So I called him "Tomorrow", because Tomorrow
never comes.





   A guy and his dog walk into a bar.  The guy says, "I'll bet you a round of
drinks that my dog can talk."
   Bartender says, "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
   Guy asks the dog, "What covers a house?"
   Dog says, "Roof!"
   Guy asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?"
   Dog says, "Rough!"
   Guy asks the dog, "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
   Dog says, "Ruth!"
   Guys tells the bartender, "Pay up.  I told you he could talk."
   Bartender throws both of them out the door.  Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog
looks at the guy and says, "Gehrig???"





   A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and
wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."
   The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words
here," he said.  "You could send another 'woof' for the same price."
   "But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."





   This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario, about an
unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England.
   It is common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by
signaling with 90 volts across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England).  When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the
two wire circuit for the conversation.  This method allows two parties on the
same line to be signalled without disturbing each other.
   This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets, called to say
that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first.  Torn between
curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service
techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene.  Climbing
a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's
house.  The phone didn't ring.  He tried again.  The dog barked loudly, followed
by a ringing telephone.  Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:
   a. Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
      collar
   b. Dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current
   c. After several jolts, the dog was urinating on ground and barking
   d. Wet ground now conducted and phone rang.





   A three-legged dog walks into a bar, carrying a shotgun.  He walks up to the
bar and says, "Whisky."
   Bartender looks at the three-legged dog and says, "Sure, but what's with the
shotgun?"
   The three-legged dog replies, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my pa'."





According to the January issue of Smithsonian magazine, a Beatrice, Nebraska,
man left his pet bulldog in the car for a few minutes at a gas station.  When
the man tried to get back in, he found that the dog, perhaps peeved over some
slight, had locked all the doors.





May 19, 1991
Dogged Approach To What's Important

In a two-day period in New York City recently, a homeless man, a train
maintenance worker, and a dog were killed on the subway tracks.  Ninety people
telephoned the Transit Authority to express concern about the dog, but only
three called about the worker, and no one about the homeless man.





All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.

The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.





Drug Sniffing Dogs Star On Cards

By Philip J. LaVelle
Copley News Service

   San Diego    There's a new breed of San Diego All-Stars on the national
trading-card scene, and we're not talking Benito Santiago in fact, we're talking
about a bunch of dogs.
   Real ones.
   With names like Snag, Sinbad and Simon, these furry quadrupeds are the
first-stringers in the U.S. Customs Service's war on drugs.  From San Diego to
Miami, these sharp-nosed pooches have sniffed out a combined $12 billion in
hidden narcotics booty.
   And starting this month, their smiling dog faces began showing up nationwide
on trading cards stuffed into Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit boxes.  It's all part of a
cooperative venture between the doggie treat maker and the Customs Service.
   "We figure it's great exposure for both Milk-Bone and for the U.S. Customs
drug dogs," said Ann Smith, spokeswoman for Nabisco Foods Group, parent of
Milk-Bone.
   "This is something Nabisco feels strongly about.  They believe in the message
that they give to the children," Smith said from corporate headquarters in
Parsippany, N.J.
   The message: a simple Just Say No-style moral, is delivered in a kind of
Lassie vs. the Cartel Lords plot.
   The front of the cards features a photo of the happy-faced, furry cops.
   On the back: The dog's seizure stats, a number kids can call to snare
suspected smugglers (800-BE-ALERT), and the exhortation to "Stop Drug
Smuggling!"
   Customs began using about a half-dozen dogs in the early 1970s. Now there are
more than 300 dogs in the service many of them rescued from the pound.
   "We pull 'em off of Death Row and give them a shot," Customs Service
spokesman Steve Duchesne said from Washington, D.C.  "Many of these are dogs
that people don't want any more.  However, they're basically intelligent animals
that have incredibly keen senses."
   Duchesne said the dogs go through a 12-week training program.  The graduates
are "highly trained, effective officers," he said. Those that flunk are put into
private homes, and not returned to the pound.
   Of 24 dogs featured nationally, seven are from the San Diego County-Imperial
County region.
   Snag, a 4-year-old Labrador retriever based in San Diego, wagged his tail
into history on Oct. 4, 1990, when he sniffed out 8,705 pounds of Colombian
cocaine hidden in a propane gas tanker stopped at the Otay Mesa border crossing.
   That load worth nearly $784 million was the largest border seizure in U.S.
history.
   Other San Diego star dogs include Sinbad (Labrador retriever mix, $38.9
million in career seizures); Blow (Labrador mix, $17.3 million); Simon (golden
retriever, $82.5 million); Tia (Labrador, $48.1 million); Tom (Labrador, $40.3
million); and Benny (golden retriever, $20 million).
   The trading card program began 18 months ago in Dallas, where Customs dog
trainers took their charges on the road to local schools for "demonstration"
visits.  The visits ended with trainers handing out doggie trading cards to
students.
   Demand for the cards soon outstripped supply.
   Rather than end up in the doghouse of defeat, the feds began looking for
corporate sponsors for their trading cards, and found a partner in Milk-Bone.
Duchesne said Milk-Bone was the only dog food manufacturer to take up the
service's call for help.





The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.

   Forget about Dog Bites Man.  Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages. Today,
we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by way of
Moscow.
   The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when it
vanished, leaving only a ripple.  The dog's master, who was fishing at the time,
hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike.  He looked closely at its
mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a tail."
   Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent).  The dog struggled out after
the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the
pike, "barking excitedly."
   It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got
away.  In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to
tell about the one that didn't?





   A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops.
She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant.  He
thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam.  I'll
just get him."
   With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds
later with a cute little puppy.  "This dog is a special dog," he tells her.  "It
is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air.  It
immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
   "There is one problem with him, however.  Whenever you say 'my apple', he'll
eat whatever you've mentioned."  The lady watches in astonishment as the dog
zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced
from his pocket.
   "He's cute, and so unusual.  I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes
later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
   "Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets
back home.  "He can fly!"
   The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh?  My foot!"





"What is it, Lassie?  A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is
diabetic and needs insulin?  Is THAT what you're trying to tell me?"





A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday.
An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her looking at a puddle
in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."





I turned on my lawn sprinkler as my dog was crossing the yard.  He thought it
was the hydrant getting even with him.





Smith Pet Care Ltd.
19 Clerkenwell Road
London E17
01-960 4770

Dear Pet Owner

As an animal lover, I am sure that you are opposed to vivsection and the
unnecessary cruelty that goes with it.  Yet every year, thousands of dog owners
like yourself have their beloved pets surgically neutered.

Until now there has been no alternative.

Until now there has been no Puppi-Stop(tm).

Extensively field tested in the U.S.A., new forms of contraception for dogs are
now available for the first time in Britain.

Puppi-Stop(tm) offers three different, safe and reliable methods for maximum
flexibility and protection:

Puppi-Stop(tm) Sheaths - Easy to apply, these condoms come in a variety of
colours and six different packs, from Chichuahua to Great Dane (six or twelve
packs).

Puppi-Stop(tm) Diaphragm - Comes with full instructions for fitting, applicator
and spermicide jelly.  Available in three sizes; washable, hard wearing.

Puppi-Stop(tm) Pill - Low oestrogen pills, to be crushed and added to regular
dog food.  Total protection 24 hours a day.

These safe and humane products are now available today from all leading chemists
and pet shops.  Ask for them today and receive a 10% discount on presentation of
this leaflet.

A free booklet on all Puppi-Stop(tm) products, including a totally new pregnancy
testing device, the Puppi-Stop(tm) 'Predict-A-Puppi' is available from the same
outlets.

Be your dog's very best friend with...PUPPI-STOP(tm) - The humane way!

J.Rutger
Sales Manager





A young boy and his mother were walking down the road.  She says to him, "Look
Jim, that's a puddle of H2O."  The boy replies, "No mummy, that's a puddle of
K9P!"





Ten Ways To Deal With A Savage Rottweiler

1. Show it who's master.

As soon as a rottweiler looks as if it is about to attack you, immediately don a
mortar board and black cape, stand by a blackboard and begin giving it a lesson
in Social Studies.  It will thus realise that you are its master and will
immediately become an attentive pupil.  Make it write out a hundred times "I
must not lick my bollocks in class."

2. Roll it a large joint.

If a Rottweiler is adopting an unpleasantly hostile attitude, skin up a reefer
the size of a turnip and offer it a toke.  The dog's expression will transform
into a huge grin, its eyes will glaze over and it will giggle uncontrollably at
anything you may say, like "Let go of my leg you bastard!"

3. Lie down in front of the dog in non-violent protest against its use of
   aggression to dominate, subjugate, and intimidate you.

Er, perhaps this isn't such a good idea after all.

4. Wave a stopwatch in front of its eyes and convince it that it is feeling
   sleepy.

Hypnosis is an effective form of influencing behavior.  When the dog is under
your power, suggest to it that it become something less aggressive and violent -
such as a thermonuclear device.  Also, try regressing it to see what previous
lives it may have had.  One particularly vicious rottweiler has confessed under
hypnosis to having been Vlad the Impaler, Pot Pol and Norman Tebbit in its
previous existences.

5. Show it a picture of Anne Diamond.

Very effective this.  You'll find it will turn on its heels and flee, whining
loudly with its tail between its legs.

6. Pretend you are Saint Francis of Assisi.

Quickly change into a monk's habit, shave the crown of your head and hum a few
bars in Italian of "If I could talk to the animals" from Dr Dolittle.  The
rottweiler will immediately assume that you are a twelfth century saint and
begin to frolic around you in joyful celebration of the plenitude of God's
creation.

7. Convince it that you are a hazelnut yoghurt.

Or a softly boiled egg, or a glass of Cornish tap water, and that any attempt to
have a quick taste of any part of you will result in either immediate death, or
a bad dose of the shits, or permanent hair loss.

8. Try to distract its attention.

Throw it a young child to chew, or point out another bystander who looks more
appetising than yourself.

9. Prepare a selection of vegetarian dishes.

Convince it of the ideological objections to eating meat, especially humans, and
show it a number of tasty, wholesome vegetarian alternatives.

10. Take a shotgun and blow the bastard's brains out.

A quick, satisfying, though slightly messy method of calming the rottweiler.
Also has long term side-effects such as extreme sluggishness, lack of appetite
and a tendency to decompose in unsightly fashion.

Taken from "The Truth" (August/September Issue)





"Dumb" Dalmation Shows How Smart He Is.

   Newport, S.C. (AP) -  A boy says he and his kitten were saved from a fire by
a family pet not noted for his brains.  Dirk Tanis, 15, said he fell asleep
Saturday after starting to cook and awoke to the family Dalmatian, Spuds, biting
his hand.  Flames were touching the kitchen ceiling, the microwave was melting,
and smoke filled the house.
   Dirk ran from the house and called 911.  Meanwhile, he said, Spuds grabbed
Gizmo, a 5-month old kitten, by the scruff of the neck and took her out of the
house.
   "We always talk about how dumb he (Spuds) is," said Tanis' mother, Gay.  "We
didn't think he would have the presence of mind to do something like that."





I heard this at a folk festival in Orkney this summer.  Try to read it in a
Scots accent - that's the way it was spoken.

   A butcher is leaning on the counter towards the close of day when a wee dog
wi' a basket in its jaws comes pushin' through the door.  "An' wot's this
then?" he asked.  The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. 
"You li'tle bugger."  As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and
a tenner in the basket.  [A tenner is ten pounds sterling - about Cdn$20]
   The scribble on the note asks for 3 pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. 
The butcher figures this is too easy.  He goes to the window and reaches for the
dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.  The dog grrrrrrrs at him.  The
butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the
fridge.  Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his
thumb.  "Hmmmmm, a bit shy.  Who'll know?"  Again, the dog growls menacingly. 
"Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound.  He wraps it out,
drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a fiver.  The dog threatens to
chew him off at the ankles.  Another fiver goes in the basket.
   The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.  The
dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the
lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor.  The dog walks down the
corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door.  The door opens, the dog's
owner screams abuse at the dog and then tries to kick the dog inside.  "Hey,
what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there."  "Stoopid dog -
that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.





The life sentence of Taro the dog was commuted in February 1994, permitting his
release from the Bergen County Jail and his deportation from New Jersey.  Taro
had been sentenced to die under the state's "vicious dog" law, but appeals had
continued until Taro had spent more than 1,000 days behind bars in his climate-
controlled kennel and had cost taxpayers more than $100,000 in expenses.





All dogs will eat cat excretions due to its Vitamin D content.





Some veterinarians are prescribing Prozac for dogs.  Animal rights activists are
thrilled.  Things have finally come full circle.  Finally, a drug for animals
that has been tested on humans first.





The "Chicago Tribune" reported in June 1994 on a local sex therapist, Robert
Herd, who works exclusively helping animals to mate. He says a surprising number
of dogs and horses exhibit sexual dysfunction.





See the movie "Pricilla, Queen of the Desert" if you find transvestites funny. 
Favorite line from the film:

We call the dog Herpes; if you're lucky, it heals.





We call our dog Egypt; because in every room, he leaves a pyramid.





Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how
dogs spend their lives.





Heard on CJAD on George Balcan's Bad Joke Friday:

   A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog.
The little dog is singing.  He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says,
"Come to my office.  I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. 
This dog can make us both rich."
   The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office.  The little dog is
just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano
Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of
the neck.  She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in her mouth.
   The talent scout yells, "Stop her.  She's taking away our fortune!"
   The man replies, sadly, "It's no use.  That's his mother.  She doesn't want
him to be an entertainer.  She wants him to be a doctor."





In a June 1994 'Wall Street Journal', there was a report of a British executive
Jim Rose, the manager of a new line of pet food for Britain's Safeway Stores
PLC.  Although Safeway Stores uses a "test panel" of 2,000 dogs and cats, Rose
nonetheless tastes every single product under development, as well as
competitors' products, leading his wife to refer to him affectionately as "dog
breath".  A spokesman for rival Ralston Purina said, "We don't use humans to
test pet foods."





I was just purusing the new Sunnyvale Parks & Recreation catalog of activities,
and in among the dozens of offerings were the following two, literally one above
the other on the same page:

Dog Obedience

Vietnamese Cooking

Yep, that'd probably get old Fido to toe the line pretty well!





Reuters News Service -  Michael Brammer is an artist with a new exhibit in
Copenhagen.  The centerpiece of his show is a group of stuffed Labrador puppies.
After the "artwork" caused an uproar, he explained the dogs were killed and
stuffed to bring attention to the many animals that are mistreated in Europe.





   Fellow walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that
rottweiler outside?" 
   "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up.  "What about it?"
   "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
   "What the hell you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly.  "How
could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
   "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"





From Late Show with David Letterman; Tuesday, February 14, 1995

Top Ten Weird Looking Dogs

10. Obsessed with Wilford Brimley (Scotch terrier with whiskers)
 9. Minoxydil in his Alpo (long-haired sheepdog)
 8. Picks up free HBO (Boston terrier with big ears)
 7. Gooned on malt liquor (big, droopy-faced dog)
 6. Previously owned by Lyle Lovett (pompadoured poodle)
 5. Grand champion: Static Cling division (very fluffy chow)
 4. Needs a flea collar (bearded man)
 3. On loan from a car wash (black dog with dreadlocks)
 2. The third Menendez brother (worried-looking dog in cage)
 1. Ed Sullivan Theater rat (tiny black terrier)