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{LN} Football Jokes
Football Jokes
Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
Because he's lost all three of his bowls.
Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?
Because he can't find the receiver.
The real score of the game was not 55-10, but 55-31. The Broncos hung around
after the game and managed to put a few more points on the board.
What is the difference between Cheerios and the Broncos.
Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
John Elway couldn't get into his house Sunday night. It seems someone had
painted a goal line in front of his door!
I read in the paper this morning that two of the Denver Broncos playbooks were
stolen. John Elway is very upset. He hadn't finished coloring them.
Definition of an optimist: A Denver Bronco fan waiting at DIA (Denver
International Airport) for the Broncos to return from winning the Super Bowl.
Houston Oilers Football Schedule For 1997
September 5 Arnold Junior High
12 Cub Scout Troop 101
19 Houston Blind Academy
26 Spanish-American War Vets
October 3 Crippled Children's Home
10 St. Cloud Home for Wayward Girls
17 Girl Scout Troop 465
24 Kilgore Rangerettes
31 Houston Symphony
November 7 Korean War Amputees
14 VA Hospital Amputees
21 Greater Houston Ret. Nurses
28 Montrose Gay Singles
Special Monday Night Games
December 6 Utopia Gay Girls
December 13 Harris County Felons
December 20 Houston Area Polio Survivors
Rule Changes From Last Year
1. When playing the polio patients, the Oilers must not disconnect leg braces.
2. When playing the Girl Scouts, the Oilers must not eat their cookies.
3. When playing the Blind Academy, the Oilers cannot hide the football under
their jerseys.
4. When playing the amputees, the Oilers cannot file any protests about players
with one leg being hard to tackle.
5. When playing any teams who are registered with Queer Nation, these teams will
not have holding calls assessed against them.
6. When playing the Harris County Felons, all of the Felons must wear leg and
wrist irons including the Quarterback and Kickers.
Rules Carried Forward From Last Year
1. A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you
Oilers fans who have never seen one) is still worth 21 points.
2. The Oilers will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
3. The Oilers will be allowed to substitute with Band members or cheerleaders.
4. The Oilers will be allowed 20 time outs as opposed to 3 for the other teams
5. The Oilers will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards or more.
Name Changes
The Houston Oilers name will be changed to the Houston Tampons as they are only
good for one period and don't have a second string.
Coaching Changes
Jack Pardee will be replaced by Linda Lovelace. She will no doubt blow a few,
but she won't choke on the Big Ones!
Cerebral hemorrhages are rarer among amateur and professional football players.
So are brains.
What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A quarter-ton pickup.
What did the football player always get on his final exams in college?
Drool.
The University of Oklahoma
Department of Recruiting
Norman, Oklahoma
% Founded 1900
% Football since 1940
% Basketball since 1952
% Academics beginning 2014
The University of Oklahoma is pleased to announce the following commitments of
high school football players for the 1989 recruiting season:
Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6'6", 190, Wide Receiver
Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last 10 years. Loves music. Will demand a
mini-cassette player in his helmet. Holds the record for the number of "You
knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete
name.
Cletis Quentious Jenkins: 6'2", 190, Running Back
Set state scoring record out of Melrose High, Charlotte, NC. Also led the state
in burglaries, but has only six convictions. Has been clocked in the 40 at 4.2
seconds with a 25" TV under his arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Danzell: 6'1", 185, Running Back
Home town, West Memphis, Ark. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee
Williams fairly well. Before he signs a letter of intent, he wants OU to change
uniform colors to chartreuse and pink. Lists church preference as "Red Brick."
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6'8", 275, Tackle
Third generation welfare family. At 19, he is the oldest of 14 children.
Mother indicates Woodrow and child #9, Leotis, may have the same father. Has
manslaughter trial pending but feels confident of being found innocent. Says,
"The bum say somethin' bad 'bout my momma." On OU entrance form, lists IQ as
20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 175, Quarterback
Born on an Amtrak train near Chicago. Birth certificate indicates he's now
26-years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmet stands for "Nowledge," but
still meets OU academic requirements. Insists on wearing jersey #12. It matches
his score on SAT.
Tyrone "Python" Peeples: 6'10", 180, Wide Receiver
Home town Cuero, Texas. Has pending paternity suit, but hopes none of the other
five will file charges. Tyrone has already signed six letters of intent, but
also willing to sign with OU. Likes white women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell
is the Mexican phone company.
Abdul Aba Ali: 6'8", 245, Guard
Played high school ball at Houston Yates under name of Leroy Jones. Thinks
Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jackson, Miss. Does not know the meaning
of the word "fear". Does not know the meaning of a lot of other words, either.
What do collegiate football players usually get on their final exams?
Drool.
What do Billy Graham and the O.U. Sooner football team have in common?
They can both make a stadium of 60,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."
The football player was trying to pick up a coed at a fraternity party when
she told him that she was much more turned on by academic types than dumb jocks.
"So," she said, "what's your G.P.A.?"
The jock smiled and said, "I get about twenty-five in the city and forty on
the highway!"
My brother went to the University of Chicago which has a terrible football team.
They were in a league against intellectually third-rate colleges, and the U of C
cheer was:
That's all right,
That's okay,
You're going to work for us someday!
Baseball is to football as Beethoven is to rap. - Patrick Mott
Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter. St. Peter questioned
each man:
St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ?
First man: 210.
St. Peter: Wow! That's really high, maybe we should discuss the Theory of
Relativity sometime.
St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ?
Second man: 170.
St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the fundamentals
of Quantum Mechanics sometime.
St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ?
Third man: 70.
St. Peter: Well... How about those San Francisco Forty-Niners?
Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga
20 June 1991
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he
said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around
the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn
into linemen."
There is a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the
Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt,
walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all
over the field, blowing a whistle, and walking off the field. At the end of the
summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee
walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for
a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his
thesis on this, and graduated.
Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole.
Each day before I get out of bed, I try to dress myself in the full Armor of
God. I say, 'Okay, I want to be fully prepared for spiritual battle. I'm
putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I'm putting on the Breastplate of
Righteousness, and I'm confessing all of my sins, anything that might stand
between me and God. I'm putting on the Shield of Faith to ward off the fiery
darts of the Devil. I'm girding my loins with the Belt of Truth, and I'm
shoeing my feet in the Gospel of Peace.' Finally, I take as my offensive
weapon, my sword, the Bible, and I go forward, fully dressed in the Armor of
God. (yeah, but he forgot his umbrella) - Joe Gibbs, football analyst for NBC
Sports (former Washington Redskins coach). In Life magazine, "Why We Pray", p.
57, March 1994.
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming
and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and
around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing
building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to
here chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and
I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and the
she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goal keeper for
Ireland's national football [soccer] team. I've never missed a match in ten
years and in all that time, I have never let the ball into my net."
"What? Not once?" calls the woman.
"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world
agrees that I am the best goal keeper there has ever been."
And with that he adopts the classic goal keepers stance, legs apart and
sightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his
arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing
forward.
"Okay!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Her she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from
the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch
with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over
heels and with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the
crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of
reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling
further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet
from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement,
catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest
and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on
his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then,
slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone
sees that the child is alive. The crowd is awe-struck
Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself,
nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in
his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their
appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the
baby twice on the ground then punts her 60 yards down the road.
Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:
Caller: What do you think about football?
Will: Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American
life. Violence and committee meetings.
Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence
punctuated by committee meetings. - "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" by
George F. Will, quoted in the April 1 "New York Times Book Review"
A football coach looked over to his star player and said, "I know I'm not
supposed to let you play since you failed math but we need you in there. How
about I ask you a math question to prove you know your math so you can play?"
The player agreed and the coach asked the following question, "Okay, what is
2+2?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4."
Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach,
give him another chance!"
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished,
the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the
repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the
TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch
some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting
hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out,
marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set
again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did
you?"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
The best/worst football score, was of course
Georgia Tech: 222
Cumberland Gap: 0
GT played everybody they had, anyone in uniform, and maybe the waterboys and
cheerleaders (I forget). CG immediately and permanently disbanded its football
team. Personally, I have always suspected that the Falcons were comprised
primarily of old CG men.
[A whole book has been written on this game, and it is quite amusing. I don't
remember the title, but I remember seeing the book. -spaf]
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus party.
Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G. P. A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in the
city and forty on the highway."
Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the struggle
to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending winter. The rites
begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first day of the New Year, with
great festivals identified with bowls of plenty. The festivals are associated
with flowers such as roses; fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton;
and even sun-worship and appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.
In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called "The Oval",
an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of "The Oval" is
repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor churches in
which the services are held every sabbath in every town and city. Also every
Sunday in the greater centers of population where an advanced priesthood
performs. These enormous churches dominate every college campus; no other
edifice compares in size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual
development of the culture that produced them.
Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from
sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to be
enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously arises
out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire ritual. (Notre
Dame and Football are synonymous).
The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four
directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous white
lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes are repeated
in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who control the
services through a time period divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four
Seasons.
The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the thousands
of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in unison and
chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of willingness to
die for the love of mother.
The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might
appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting the
Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg.
However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side, there are eleven
young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called
"possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped "huddle," as
it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and whispering of secret
numbers to each other.
Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg. In
a typical "formation", there are seven priests "on the line," seven being a
mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the "seven
last words" but actually, with sublimation of the "seven deadly sins" into "the
seven cardinal principles of education."
The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands, while
over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." The transposition of "back
quarters" to "quarterback" is easily explained by the Adler School. To the
layman the curious posture assumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the
central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,
but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the "quarter-back"
symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts, namely, a) Eros, which strives
for even closer union, and b) the instinct for destruction of anything which
lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the
hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-
back. Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.
At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the members
of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the white lines of
Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues through the four
quarters of the ritual.
At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the
processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming
themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes, the
virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than the
earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived. Each of the
virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips,
tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most
intricate gyrations.
The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire service.
This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following success of one of the
young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line of Winter. As the
moment of "conversion" approaches, the virgins kneel at the edge of the
rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in
supplication, praying that "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed
a dedicated ceremony.
Legend has it that football great Bronco Nagurski opened a gas station upon
retirement from the NFL. A visitor to town asked whether or not he was
successful.
"Once someone gets gas from Bronco, they never go anyplace else", a local
told him.
"Is the service that good?" asked the visitor.
"No, not really." said the local.
"Does he have the best price?"
"About the same as everybody else."
"Then the gas must be better."
"No, it's just regular gas."
"Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronco?"
"Because when Bronco Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but Bronco
Nagurski can get it back off."
In New York City, Mayor David Dinkins's City Hall ceremony to honor the Super
Bowl champion Giants had to be canceled after it was discovered that no one had
invited the team. - The American Spectator, April 1991
Because it is not natural for a human being to hurl his body directly at another
human being. - Chuck Noll, ex-Pittsburgh Steelers football coach, when asked
why it is difficult to play pro football
What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and Cheerios?
Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
How many Bills players does it take to receive a kickoff?
Two. One to catch the ball and one to tell him to go down.
How many Bills does it take to fumble the ball?
Any of 'em.
Announcement from P.A. system at Texas Stadium:
Will the parents who lost your eleven kids here at the stadium please come get
them? They are leading the Cowboys 14-0.
Heard on WZZO (Lehigh Valley, PA):
Did you hear that someone purchased the Buffalo Bills and is going to move them
to Alaska?
They are going to rename them the Arctic Chokes.
From the L.A. Times:
The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you
wear it and the other guy scores.
Today was mostly decision day. We made an agreement to agree over what we had
agreed upon before. (???) - Tom Flores, former Seahawks general manager
You know you play in the Western Athletic Conference if ...
- your school's cheers do not include "Defense, Defense!"
- your team does not have a defensive coordinator
- your team has two offensive coordinators
- your score board has 3 digits for Home and Away scores
- your run to pass play ratio approaches zero
- you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the 'bomb'
- you consider 3rd down and 40 a short yardage situation
- a 'defensive back' is on your state's endangered species list
- 'Offensive Statistician' is a Math degree at your school
- at halftime, the footballs have to be de-iced and re-pressurized
- your kickoff cover team also runs marathons
- the phrase "you go long" appears on every page of your play book
- your quarterback's performance is rated in miles instead of yards
- your running backs wear out more than one pair of shoes per game
- the whole football team doubles as the track team in the spring
- you think playing linebackers as safeties is a good idea
- you think the words "pass rush" means that the quarterback threw too soon
- you don't know what a tackling dummy is
- you play offensive guard because you just couldn't catch passes like the
tackles
- you consider "the bomb" to be as efficient as running off tackle in any
situation
- the usual "2 Minute Drill" is renamed the "15 Minute Drill"
- your team has defensive formations named "Red Snoopy", "Sieve", and "Far From
Stopping"
- your Strong Safety is Al Bundy's brother except he let the other team
score 4 touchdowns in every game
- your alma mater has school offensive categories such as:
o "Number of Passes Thrown On the Run"
o "Number of Bombs Attempted"
o "Number of Low Flying Airplanes Hit By Ball"
- your team's Quarterback is also the track team's Javelin Thrower
- you have at least one guy from Samoa on your team
- you think the 'Wishbone' is part of a Turkey
- you think a 'Triple Option Quarterback' is one who opts to:
1. throw the bomb, or
2. throw the bomb, or
3. throw it away
- you think 'sieve' is a standard reference to defensive backs
- the mascot you run around the field after each score is on oxygen, before
halftime
- you think holding a team to 5 touchdowns gives you bragging rights
- more balls fly into the stands than at a baseball game
- speed trials are measured in the 80 yard dash, not the 40
- it's standard practice to re-turf the field after a home game
- your recruiters are ex-marathon runners
- your band uses substitutions
- your band doubles as a scrimmage team
- any band member is know a starter
- at any point during the game you need a computer to figure out the
combinations of field goals and touchdowns you're down by
- you're up by 42 points in the 3rd quarter and the words "We've blown bigger
leads than this." keep echoing through your mind
- it regularly takes your receivers 25 seconds to jog back to the huddle after
each play
- you think an off-tackle run is the same as breaking a tackle
- when some-one says "...carry the ball in the breadbasket..." you give them a
blank stare
- you found all the divide-by zero bugs in your new statistics software,
related to rushing, before the 3rd game of the season
- you're more than 4 standard deviations from the national rushing average
- you're more than 10 standard deviations above the national average for passes
or passing yards attempted
- any blimp pilot has ever caught a ball during play
- you have a quarterback rotation schedule, to give their arms a rest
- air traffic controllers can watch the game on their radar screens
- you hire Paul Westhead as head coach in an effort to generate more offense
- you kick on onside kick after every score for fear of putting your defense on
the field
- you run a play action pass and score because your opponents have doubled over
in laughter
- the only drug the team doctor carries is "amphetamines"
- your opponents commit a holding penalty on a scoring play and your team
declines the penalty
- your team's water boys/girls wheel an oxygen bottle out onto the field during
a time out
- the under-over betting line is more than 100 points
- the "Hail Mary" is on page 1 of your playbook
- the word 'Defense' is confused with the trailer-park phrase "Da Fence"
- your quarterback audibles to a running play and has to call a time-out
because the whole offensive line is confused
- your team considers a 'running play' as a live show that is currently at the
Orpheum Theater
- the first line of your recruiting brochure is "Have you ever thought of being
a wide receiver?"
- the words "This is not missprint" appear with your box scores
- your total points for the year eclipse the national average by more than one
order of magnitude
- keeping the scoreboard lit during games causes brownouts
- your team is sponsored by American Airlines and Sprint
- your new defensive coordinator just came off a successful season in Pee-Wee
league
- you win your conference and your bowl opponent is the 5th place team from
another conference
NFL Team Lame Names
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually
assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a
collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos -] Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs -] Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders -] Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers -] San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks -] Seattle Weehawks
AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals -] Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns -] Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers -] Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers -] Pittsburgh Reelers
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills -] Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Bills -] Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts -] Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins -] Miami Stallfins
Miami Dolphins -] Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots -] New England Patsys
New York Jets -] New York Pets
New York Jets -] New York Not Yets
NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons -] Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints -] New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams -] Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers -] San Francisco Whiners
NFC Central:
Chicago Bears -] Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions -] Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Lions -] Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings -] Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota Vikings -] Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -] Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals -] Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys -] Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowboys -] Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants -] New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles -] Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins -] Washington Deadskins
Washington Redskins -] Washington Foreskins
Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers -] Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars -] Jacksonville Saguars
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the
TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him
up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
In Melbourne in May 1994, Australian Rules football player Russell Prowse was
ejected from a game and severely reprimanded by the league. He had attempted to
diffuse a potential brawl by grabbing opponent Scott Cameron and kissing him
flush on the lips. Prowse's gambit worked: Cameron reportedly staggered back, a
hush came over the players and order was restored.
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995
Top Ten Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce
booth.
8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."
6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams. [During a "Supermarket Finds"
segment, Dave displayed a can of bloody clams]
2. What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
1. Tired of going to Disneyland.
From David Letterman - Monday, January 30, 1995
Top Ten San Diego Chargers Excuses
10. Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles.
9. We were frightened and disoriented by halftime show.
8. Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, "Chargers suck!"
7. Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who we are, not
because we won some stupid game!
6. If only we'd had Shapiro and Cochran on defense.
5. Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs.
4. Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap.
3. Hard to concentrate when you're having erotic fantasies about Kathie Lee.
2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy.
1. We've already been to Disneyland.
[Music: "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix]
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