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{LN} Insect Jokes
Insect Jokes
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new
restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is
spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place
shines."
"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Two flies sit on a piece of shit. A third fly lands, sits there, and farts.
The other flies yell at the third one, "How disgusting!! Can't you see we're
eating?!?"
Australian Cockroaches
This is a True Story. It actually happened recently to three friends of mine.
Reproduced with permission, and with apologies to Lovecraft.
Mark, Cathy and Harry share an apartment with a family of several thousand
cockroaches. Australian cockroaches are, of course, far larger, hungrier, and
more aggressive than their counterparts in other countries. One day, becoming
annoyed at the constant patter of tiny tentacles, the suspicious crunching
sounds that should never come from a cheese sandwich, and especially peeved at
finding the furniture rearranged without notice, Mark decided to commit
genocide. He bought a can of surface spray.
A distorted leer on his face, he methodically covered the skirting boards,
cupboards, cracks, nooks and lairs of his enemy with the fast-acting contact
poison. He was merciless, rooting out forgotten nests and spraying crucial
strategic points with the fine but deadly mist. When the can finally ran out,
he knew that morning would see a newer, cleaner, better world for humans to live
in. Smug and confident in his powers, he settled down for a well-earned rest.
Night fell. A clear, silent moonlit night. Quiet. Perhaps, too quiet. For
the first time in memory, no scampering of greasy exoskeleton, no clacking of
mandibles, no buzz of shadowy wings to disturb the great white mammals, dormant
and safe in their nocturnal hibernation. All around the hunting fields,
tantalising with the promise of cheese sandwiches, a heavy pall hung. Not an
inch, not a smidgeon, not a scad of floor space could be found that was not
covered with the insidious but certain death. Not even a place to stand,
except...
Harry woke with it. He thought it was the rain. But the night was clear.
The moon shone through his bedroom window. Then he felt it. Then he started to
scream.
Mark and Cathy ran to Harry's room, armed with large blunt objects. The door
was locked. Inside, they could hear whimpering, a tiny voice crying, "No no no
no..." and the sound of rain. Mark hammered on the door. Cathy went to ring
the police. The door thudded once, and then the bolt drew back, the lock
turned, the door slowly opened, the light snapped on. Mark and Cathy drew breath
as one, turned and fled, screaming, into the night, followed after a period by
the shambling wreck that had been Harry. His bed was littered with hundreds of
twisted black cockroach corpses, fallen from a teaming leathery mass that
entirely covered the ceiling. And they made a sound like rain ...
From an Associated Press bulletin: When an San Francisco insecticide maker ran
a contest in August 1994 looking for the most roach-infested house in the
country to demonstrate its pest control prowess, Rosemary Mitchell of Tulsa,
Okla., really wanted to win, and she did. The prize: a house call from a roach
expert, entomologist Austin Frishman, a.k.a. television's Dr. Cockroach, who
began work on the home after estimating that her one-story house harbored
between 60,000 and 100,000 roaches. Mitchell said, "I keep a pretty clean
house," but admitted that she had to check the bed thoroughly every night and
shake the shower curtains off every morning. Frishman said he has seen a lot
worse and rated Mitchell's house only a "3" on a scale of 1 to 5.
What's the last thing that enters a bee's mind when it hits a car's window
moving at 70 mph?
Its ass.
How can you tell if a termite is homosexual?
He'll only eat woodpeckers.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Bumbling Trivia
In proportion to its body size, the genitalia of a drone bee are among the
largest of any animal on earth. Mention this to the girls over bridge and
you'll definitely get the conversation off Tupperware.
The size of its equipment is thought to be directly related to the drone's
post-coital fate, namely death. The genitals are contained in the abdomen and
presumably getting them out of the abdomen for the purpose of mating places such
strain on the bee that it dies in the process. The proximate cause of the
drone's demise is that its privates are (urk) ripped off during the act. One
more reason for caution, boys, when we are fumbling around in the dark.
One last thing. Despite its status as bee stud, the drone is not itself
produced as a result of sex. On the contrary, it develops from an unfertilized
egg. (Fertilized eggs become either workers or queens.) Thus the queen bee is
capable of parthenogenesis and drone bees have no father, only a grandfather.
You think your family is dysfunctional; be glad you're not a bee.
What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
Why do spiders spin webs?
Because they can't knit.
Seen on the bionet.general newsgroup:
We have a pet spider in our lab. Can anyone tell us how to sex it? We found it
in the men's toilets but we don't think this is conclusive evidence.
The Washington Post reported in September 1993 that at the third annual Fairfax
County, Va. Slugfest, "Slippery" beat out 49 other slugs in the Tour de Slug
race. Also featured at the festival: slug face-painting, the slime toss, and
the official drink - green "slimeade." A 12-year-old boy demonstrated his skill
at flicking his tongue in and out of his mouth with his slug, Mickey, attached.
He said that despite washing Mickey several times with soap beforehand, "the
slime still sticks between your teeth. I've still got some slime from
yesterday."
Have you ever smelled moth balls before?
Yes? Well, how did you get their little legs open?
One fly to another fly: "Your human is open"
Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.
A centipede is an inchworm that has switched to the metric system.
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
A centipede with athlete's foot.
How many flies does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Two, but how the heck do they get in there?
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell, "Whooa, I'm way too high!"
Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation
for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the
difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was
the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he
wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to
a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by,
they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned
him as to what happened. He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
"No!" said the lady caterpillar, crossing her legs, "no, a thousand times no!"
As seen in the Salt Lake Tribune:
On the most recent flight of Columbia, astronauts learned a valuable insight
from their experiments with 500 fruit flies. Zero gravity makes them easier to
swat.
From Rodney L. Levine, National institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD
Progress continues apace in the field of millipede research. Investigator Jack
Eden of the research journal "The Washington Post" presents the following terse
summary of his life's work:
"Continue dimming outdoor house lights to prevent millipedes from mating on the
lawn." - Washington Post, September 17, 1994, p. E13.
[Note: Eden does not present details of how he conducted the experiments, nor of
the results that led him to this summary conclusion. We will closely monitor
his subsequent publications.]
From the L.A. Times:
A West Virginia chemical company will open a $15 million insecticide unit to
replace one that was destroyed in a 1993 explosion that released 45,000 pounds
of toxins into the environment. Company officials said they are confident that
they have finally gotten all the bugs out.
Ways The World Will Be Different When Killer Bees Take Over
6. No need for Lorena Bobbitt; guys now die after their first sexual encounter.
5. Cool new striped uniforms for all major football teams.
4. Flavor-of-the-month this month and every month at nearby Baskin-Robbins ice
cream stores will be 'Honeysuckle Fudge'.
3. Hard to get girls into bed with all that sticky shit on their legs.
2. Because of all the stingings to his face, Michael Jackson is even more pale.
1. A woman would still be in charge of things.
I just recently bought an ant farm. I wonder where I can get tractors small
enough for it?
Maggots Have Rights Too
Tim Robbins has his own animal story to tell when he talks about the trials
of shooting "The Shawshank Redemption".
"Today we are reshooting a scene where I pick a maggot out of my oatmeal," he
told Entertainment Weekly. "The first time we shot it, someone from the ASCPA
was on the set because we were using a bird that day. We were informed by the
person that we weren't allowed to kill the maggot on screen. "So someone made a
little matchstick director's chair witha a star on it and 'Maggot' on the back.
We put the maggot on his chair between takes. I don't want to give the
impression we don't care about maggots."
What animal has six legs and walks on the head?
A louse.
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